


Please Do Not Follow Agent Swan's Example

by Aupple (GiveUpResistance)



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, Gluttony, Lust, Seven Deadly Sins, Swan Queen Week Winter 2016, greed - Freeform, inappropriate usage of gifs, it's pretty dumb really, sloth - Freeform, sloths, spy AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-19
Updated: 2016-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-14 21:17:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5759131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GiveUpResistance/pseuds/Aupple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emma is a good spy, really. Usually. Before now.<br/>All she can do now is try not to turn into a cautionary tale.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Never Pick Up On The Job

**Author's Note:**

> I started like three other fics before this one, but none were particularly inspiring. I just wanted to write something dumb.

Emma searches the room for her target. She’d been talking to him only twenty minutes ago, intimating that she would be happy to find somewhere alone with him, but then someone that he actually knew had hailed him from across the room, and he’d left her with a promise that he would find her again soon.

But she’s scanned the room thoroughly and he is nowhere to be seen.

She excuses herself from the conservation with the annoying woman who distracted her in the first place, and casually makes her way to one of the side doors of the ballroom. There are a few people milling around in some of the side rooms, none of them her target, so she continues into the more restricted areas of the house in search of him.

Emma is starting to think that maybe he has left, mucking up her op, but then she opens a cupboard door.

It’s nothing but a storage closet for linens- and a man in formalwear is sitting on the ground.

Her target.

And he’s completely motionless.

She crouches down beside him, presses her fingers to his neck, and finds a pulse – thank god, for they need him alive – and lipstick marks on his shirt collar.

Searching him is quick work, but he has nothing but phone and watch, and the phone is one that they already have access to. Emma swears (quietly, in case someone is walking past), and wipes down everything she’s touched before exiting the closet.

All she can do now is look for a woman with the same colour lipstick.

Hopefully that particular shade of plum will be unique enough that she won’t have too much trouble.

However, when she examines the lips of all those present, there’s none that match the marks she saw.

With regret she calls her handler and informs them of her failure, advising them to check security footage outside for the woman’s entrance or exit.

For a moment Emma considers staying a little longer, drinking some more champagne, but she can’t relax while there’s someone who has interfered in her work. She’ll just wash off this make up in the bathroom and be on her way.

The bathrooms are too fancy for Emma’s liking, all extravagant trimmings and pointless decoration for what is essentially souped up toilet stalls.

There’s a powder room, too, and after briefly glancing in she can’t help but backtrack at the sight of the woman inside.

Or rather, the sight of the woman’s ass.

She’s gorgeous, from the shiny dark hair to the tips of her black pumps. Between is a form fitting purple dress that stretches to just below her knees and outlines her curves to incredible advantage.

Emma really knows better than to try and pick up at these kind of things- okay, this proves that she really doesn’t.

She enters the room, pretending not to notice the way the other woman’s eyes follow her in the mirror.

The woman fiddles with her hair while Emma washes her hands, carefully making sure that each strand is in its place.

“Having fun?” Emma asks casually.

The woman doesn’t look at her, just continues preening. “Not really.”

“Want to?”

This gets a glance, even if it is with raised eyebrows. “With you?”

Emma does a quick check of her dress to make sure that she’s still tidy, and looks back up once satisfied. “What’s wrong with me?”

“Your attitude.”

“I’m a little upfront maybe, but

“I could well be straight.”

“Yeah, but wouldn’t you have said that earlier? I mean, if I didn’t like chicks and I was hit on then I would tell them so immediately because otherwise it’s weird and of course it’s fully within your rights to turn me down-“

She’s cut off by the other woman surging forward and kissing her.

“Shut up, you idiot,” she is told after the first kiss, and Emma has no problem doing so when those gorgeous lips are on hers again. The feel of curves in her arms is even better than looking – a velvet dress! What’s inside is incredible, of course, but Emma loves velvet – and there’s a hand tangled in her hair and one shamelessly grabbing her ass.

“I’m Emma, by the way,” she gasps out between kisses, and gets a murmured ‘Regina’ in return, which pretty much satisfies her information requirement for hooking up.

She decides, as they continue, she likes it best when Regina is kissing her neck or fondling her breast. Or both.

Regina retreats slightly and reaches beneath her skirt, treating Emma with a glimpse of tan upper thigh, and pulls down a pair of black underwear. Somehow she makes even stepping out of the black garment in high heels look elegant.

And sexy. So, so, sexy.

Regina smirks at her stare, and takes a step forward, backing Emma up against the vanity. The next kiss is slower, and she’s very aware of the underwear still in Regina’s hand and now up by her head as Regina caresses her neck, presses against it-

Too late, she realises that fingers are at a pressure point and there’s uncomfortable pressure just before she blacks out.

 

Emma wakes with her arms twisted behind and upward and pain in her wrists from where the ties are digging in.

She looks up to see the towel rail by her hands and Regina smoothing down her dress in front of the mirror. As Emma watches, the other woman pulls a small tube from her bag on the vanity and twists the bottom to reveal-

“You,” Emma breathes as everything clicks in her head at the sight of the lipstick.

Regina is smiling as she applies the plum colour to her lips, calmly checking it and putting it back in the bag while Emma lets out a stream of hissed curses.

“I really am sorry, dear,” Regina tells her, turning briefly to look at where she has struggled to an upright position. “It’s just business.”

There’s an upward curve to her lips, though, that Emma is sure she sees as Regina turns away again, and she is left struggling against her bonds and watching the velvet clad ass move as she walks away-

“Fuck,” Emma says as the door swings shut.

She’s just realised that the material holding her hands prisoner is Regina’s underwear.

And that, after what has just happened, the fact that Regina has nothing on beneath that dress still has her horny.


	2. Never Set Up A Date With An Evil Queen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma learns Regina's identity and decides that she wouldn't mind being eaten alive by her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry these are so short. Also no Regina in this one, please forgive me. I'm being very loose with the prompts from now on, really.

“I know who got to him first,” Emma says as she marches into headquarters.

“I thought you said that you hadn’t found them,” Lacey snaps at her, glaring daggers from behind her computer. “I’ve been trawling through CCTV when I had no need to?”

“I found them later,” Emma tells her. “I don’t know exactly who they are, but I can tell you what she looks like.”

“Then tell me, for god’s sake,” Lacey says, turning back to her computer with shake of her head.

“Dark hair, gorgeous, Latina woman. Called herself Regina.”

Lacey’s fingers pause typing for a moment. “Are you sure?” she asks.

“Um. Yes?”

There’s a flurry of keystrokes, and then Lacey turns her monitor around. “Is this her?”

There’s that beautiful face again, only with a serious expression instead of wicked.

“Yeah. How’d you know?” Mills, it says next to the photo. Regina Mills. So she really is Regina.

“Christ, Emma,” Lacey sighs, jabbing a finger at the screen. “She works for the goddamned CIA. She’s one of their best agents. God knows why she was there, it was well below her pay grade.”

“That good, huh?” Then, once the words have sunk in- “Hey!”

“It’s hardly offensive if you know of her,” Lacey tells her in a matter-of-fact sort of way and turns the monitor back towards her.

Emma decides that she needs to know more about Regina – for purely professional reasons, obviously- and moves to Lacey’s side, trying to get a good look at Regina’s file.

She’s just gotten to the part with her awards – so many! Regina’s been on a whole lot of high-profile cases – when she hears someone approaching.

“Emma, I heard about what happened.”

For the moment while she turns, she panics, thinking that her boss is talking about the bathroom thing, but then Mary Margaret continues, “Unfortunately there’s always the chance of someone else wanting the information in such cases as this.”

“I’m sorry, ma’am,” Emma says, not entirely sincerely.

Mary Margaret nods at her and then turns to Lacey. “Any leads on who it might have been?”

Lacey snickers and moves away from the computer so that the screen can be seen.

Emma thinks she hears Mary Margaret swear. (She’s never heard her swear. Ever.)

“The Evil Queen,” Mary Margaret hisses. “I should have known.” She sighs. “We’ll never get that information now.”

“There’ll be stuff in there that doesn’t fall under their jurisdiction though, surely,” Emma points out, deciding not to ask about her menacing title.

“No doubt,” Lacey says.

“And no doubt she’ll keep it just to spite us.”

“Surely it wouldn’t hurt to ask-“

Lacey interrupts Emma with a groan. “Oh god.”

“What?”

“You’re insane,” Lacey tells her before turning to Mary Margaret. “We might as well. It just depends on how much this information is worth.”

Their boss takes on a long-suffering expression. “I suppose we can try.”

Surprisingly, the CIA agree.

Mary Margaret must have put together a _very_ convincing argument about how the information shouldn’t go to waste, the safety of America, etc.

“Mills is going to pass it on herself, though, so there is no way I’m going. We’ll have to find someone else-“

“I’ll go,” Emma bursts out before she can stop herself.

“Emma, dear,” Mary Margaret begins, hesitant. “No offence, but Mills would eat you alive.”

It’s unfortunate phrasing, because it just fills Emma’s head with thoughts of Regina between her legs, luscious lips on her, of herself returning the favour.

She’s not sure if she’d mind.

She doesn’t realise that she’s voiced the last bit until Lacey snorts and she sees Mary Margaret looking confused.

“Look,” Emma says hurriedly. “I talked to her at the party. She seemed alright.”

Apart from the tying her up thing.

The underwear is still stuffed into her bra, actually. It gives Emma some hope.

“Fine,” Mary Margaret says. “It’s the day after tomorrow. Location will be given to you then.”

Emma salutes as she walks away.

“You’re a glutton for punishment, you know,” Lacey says.

“What do you mean?”

“Do you really think that Mills is going to be glad to see you again?”

Emma shrugs. “Probably not.” She sighs. “Did I tell you that she tied me up?”

“Oh god.”


	3. "Greed is all right, by the way."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma gets some information from Regina.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My very late attempt at greed. The title is a quote of Ivan Boesky just because it sort of fit. Thank you to everyone who is actually reading this.

Emma used to wonder why TV shows always featured parks as drop off points for stuff, until she actually got some training with the FBI and realised how perfect they were – plenty of exits, very public, and enough going on that nobody is going to notice you acting slightly oddly.

She is meeting Regina in a park, of course - a particularly large one in the centre of town. The meeting place is designated as near the food carts on the east side, away from the bulk of those in the park. (There have unfortunately been _incidents_ where the meeting place had not been properly defined.)

Emma gets there early for once, and decides that she’d rather wander around the park for a few minutes rather than stay in the car with a sniggering Ruby. The other woman finds the whole thing hilarious – of course Lacey had told her everything that Emma had spilled, although neither of them knew exactly what had happened.

“She’s going to be pissed that you’re the one here,” Ruby tells her through her earpiece, and Emma resists the urge to pull it out. She’s learnt _that_ particular lesson.

“I don’t see why.”

“Mills prefers people that she knows. I know that MM can’t seem to stand her, but they do have an amount of trust in each other.”

“Well, she’s met me once, and obviously I’m trusted or I wouldn’t-“

“Something happened at the party, though, right?” Emma ignores her. “Emma-“

“Oh hey, look, there’s toffee apples!”

This makes Ruby cackle, for some reason, and she somehow doesn’t stop laughing for the entire time that it takes Emma to buy the sweet and then wander over to near the meeting place.

She settles down on a bench and waits.

Not for very long, however, for within a minute she spots Regina walking down a nearby path.

In a dark blouse and office-y skirt, the epitome of a professional woman, she somehow looks even hotter than in the figure hugging dress of the party. Regina slows as she nears, then meets Emma’s eyes and heads towards her.

The movement of her hips is mesmerising, swinging beneath that tight high-waisted skirt as Regina navigates the uneven paving even in high heels.

At only a metre or two away she suddenly gives Emma a dirty look, making her mouth dry up.

Maybe Ruby was right. Maybe Regina is annoyed to see her. She shouldn’t have come.

Regina still sits down next to her on the bench, though.

“I see you’ve heard,” she says.

Emma is confused as hell. “Heard what?” she asks.

Regina looks toward her with raised eyebrows and nods at the toffee apple.

“What’s wrong with the apple? I like apples,” Emma says.

Regina’s eyebrows lift higher.

“Nobody tells me anything,” Emma complains. “I’ll throw it away if it bothers you so much.”

There’s a bin beside her, so she tosses it in.

When she looks back, Regina is still looking at her strangely. “What?” Emma asks, but Regina just shakes her head and looks down at her handbag.

“Now,” she says. “Let’s get this over and done with, alright?”

“So soon?” Emma jokes.

Regina sighs, and fixes her with a glare. “I’d like to get back to work as soon as possible, Miss Swan.”

So that’s how it is.

Unfortunately, Emma can be a little idiotic, sometimes, which is why she says, “You can call me Emma, you know. We should really be on first name terms, after what we shared-“

“It was just a kiss!” Regina hisses. “So that I could incapacitate you-“

“There was mutual groping, though,” Emma points out.

Regina groans, and lifts her face to the sky. “Look,” she says, and Emma is pleased to see a flush of red painting her cheekbones as she faces her again. “Do you want this information or not?”

Emma realises that she might have pushed a little too hard. “I’m sorry. I do want it,” she says, trying to look contrite.

“This is what we’ve found so far that we can’t act on,” Regina says, taking a USB from her bag.

Handing stuff over is always weird. Trying not to look suspicious just makes you look suspicious, Emma thinks. Regina, however, looks entirely natural while passing Emma the drive.

Once it’s safely zipped up in Emma’s pocket, Regina stands. “Well, I’m sure we’ll meet again at some point,” she says, and turns to walk away.

“Wait!” Emma bursts out, and Regina looks back. “Can I have your number?”

A smile forms on Regina’s lips, the first one Emma has seen since she was left in a bathroom. “Now, don’t you think that’s a little greedy?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all are troopers to be getting through this.


	4. Some Mischief Still For Idle Hands To Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sloths, and not checking who is texting you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was fun to do because I got to watch cute videos of sloths. This wasn't fun because I had to make gifs of those sloth videos (38 of them) and then didn't use them all.

 

Sometimes Emma hates her days off. This is usually when she’s been taken off a case, or forced to take time off for injury, and she wants nothing more than to get back into the field and onto her case again.

Other times, she feels quite the opposite.

Such as this particular day.

She’s currently lying on her couch, and laughing at the sight of a sloth falling over backwards while clutching a soft toy.

These videos are fucking _hilarious_.

And cute. She can’t deny that their funny little faces and smiles make her heart melt. They’d probably make literally anyone smile.

Aww, now they’re eating something, and even that’s adorable, their little chewing mouths as they stare at the camera, trying to hold the green stalk in their claws. Another baby stealing the other end from its neighbour.

Dear god, Emma thinks she might have a heart attack from all this cuteness.

This one is sleeping adorably.

The next clip almost does kill her, and she links it to Ruby with the caption ‘ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh’.

Ruby replies; ‘why did you send me a video of a sloth blinking?’

Some people just don’t appreciate art, Emma thinks to herself, and makes herself some popcorn before loading up some videos on her TV instead of her phone so that she can see them better.

A perfect day.

Sometime later, Emma has watched every single one of the sloth videos she can find, and is now rewatching them while finding gifs to send to Ruby and Lacey, both of whom have long since stopped replying to her messages.

The bath video is playing again, and the baby sloths look so funny all stretched out while they’re shampooed, and then when they’re dry they’re so fluffy and adorable – it’s so distracting that when Emma’s phone buzzes she doesn’t even bother checking which one of Ruby and Lacey have finally given in and accepted sloths into their heart, just sends them another gif.

**I knew you would give in**

She steps up her barrage after that, not even bothering to caption them as she had been before.

This continues for five minutes or so, just sending these cute gifs.

Until her phone rings.

Emma answers it, seeing that it’s Mary Margaret, and is surprised to hear her boss yell through the phone. She takes it away from her ear after the initial ‘Emma!’, and then brings it back to a couple of inches away in time to hear, “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean,” MM screeches, “Ignoring and irritating REGINA MILLS like that.”

“I thought we were chill now?” Emma tells her, confused.

“She wanted to contact you to do with the information she passed on, so I gave her your number, and now she’s called me back, something about-”

“Sloths,” Emma breathes as MM says the same word incredulously.

“What are you-”

Emma says, “Oh, _shit_ ,” over her boss’s next words and hangs up, opening the messenger app on her phone back up again.

All her last messages have been to an unnamed number, and when she scrolls back - through all those goddamned sloth gifs - she finds the original message.

Miss Swan, I’d like to meet up again sometime, we should really talk about the mutual friend of ours. -Regina

And she had replied with that gif and the ridiculous message that Emma probably would have taken as flirting if she’d received it herself.

Regina’s reply is understandable, and Emma reads through the ‘conversation’ with growing horror.

**I haven’t given in to anything, Swan.**

**What is the meaning of this?**

**Please actually reply**

**Instead of sending me pictures of sloths**

**Do you have a script running that sends me one of these every time I send a message?**

**SWAN!**

**Are you even reading these messages?**

**Evidently not.**

**For god’s sakes if you don’t stop sending me these infernal images I’ll never give you any more information.**

**You irresponsible, ridiculous idiot. How did you even become an FBI agent?**

**Yes, obviously by looking as stupid as these sloths.**

**I’m calling Blanchard.**

**I hope you realise how much trouble you’re going to be in if I have to resort to that.**

Emma groans out loud when she reaches the end of the messages.

This is literally the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to her.

She calls the number from which Regina has been texting her, and as soon as she hears the phone being picked up, she says, “This is literally the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.”

There’s a short silence, then Regina says, “I find that surprising.”

“I’m really, really sorry,” Emma says. “I was irresponsible, you’re right, I should have actually checked who the message was from, but I didn’t, and I’m very sorry to have wasted your time and for being annoying.”

“Stop grovelling,” Regina says. “And I can’t believe you didn’t look at your correspondent _or_ messages for the entire time you sent those pictures.”

“I was trying to find more gifs!” Emma replies. “And I just assumed that it was Rubes. I didn’t expect you to message me.”

“Nevertheless, it’s completely unprofessional. What if it had been Blanchard or the director of the FBI?”

Emma smiles at the thought. “MM probably would have thought they were cute. And the director wouldn’t have been messaging me on this phone, it’s my personal number.”

Regina is silent for a few moments. Then, “So this is Blanchard’s fault.”

“No, I still shouldn’t have been too lazy to check who it was that was texting.”

“That’s true,” Regina says.

“Oi!”

“I’ll talk to you some other time,” Regina says, and hangs up.

Emma is still feeling stupid, but at least Regina doesn’t seem to be so mad anymore?

Plus, now she has her number.

 

A message pops up from Ruby some minutes later.

**^You over Regina**


End file.
